Something like a Duck

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's not a cat

Substantial Sustainability

on May 21, 2012

The history of the World is recorded relativistically:  sometimes all of this took 7 days, sometimes a few millennium for evolution, and in one case, a spaceship designed us according to blue prints. I cannot tell you who is right, because being right is a matter of perspective. But I can tell you that on the 8th day, diabetes crept in and held my son’s pancreas hostage. This weekend held two topic assignments concluding the 2012 Diabetes Blog Week : Saturday’s Snapshots (share what our life with diabetes looks like), and Diabetes Hero (a person you admire who deals with diabetes (or a Type 3’er)). I gonna’ kill two birds with one stone ’cause “Oprah calls it multitasking!”

My days with diabetes are as variable as a hormonal teenagers attitude: I want to smile. I want to cry. Sometimes I end up crying because I smiled. There are days where the sugar readings are baby-bear perfect…not too high, not to low. The sun shines, the birds chirp, and my children are so spectacularly normal I want to do a happy- dance. Every quibble and complaint is magical because they are not the result of a venom inducing high or a whining low. They are the simple squabbles of siblings.

**** EDITORS NOTEI drafted this early in the morning sitting in Clinic (of all places) while I waited for our check-ups. Then I left to see the pediatrician. Who gave me the referral to the podiatrist. With whom I scheduled an appointment while on route to the GI specialist.  Whose appointment for biopsy and endoscopy results proved conclusively difficult. This is not a good day.*****

I do not know where to go from here. This cursor has blinked at me for an eternity. I wanted to post my pictures. There were photos from Florida and the skate park. Our taekwondo testing and birthday parties with friends. There were smiles.There were eyes that sat above the sadness and spilled the happiness of our hearts unto the world.

I wanted to post them so that I could profess with great certainty how ‘normal’ I had managed to make of this life; how unaffected I am by the disease(s). It was for me. I wanted to be the second bird, too. I hoped to fight hard enough to prove my own hero.

I have nowhere to go but into my words. These, all of these, are for you, my Zach.

~ I pray that you know that I love you. I love you more today than ever. It is not because you are broken that I cry. I cry because I know that I will have to break to see you healed and put back together. But that is okay, I do not mind. Do not think I am afraid. I am not. Never fall prey to believing that I am angry with you. I am not. I am simply tired because the very thought of all of the efforts your beautiful smile merits leaves me weak. I will never ask of you what I cannot give first and most. We will need to sustain our faith, our patience, our kind words. This is more than a vocabulary word, Zachary. “Sustainability” is the capacity to endure. I need you to know that. This will have to be our life.

These diseases are forever, my child. The treatments will be constant.  But your ability to endure MUST prove one day longer, one move stronger. Understand now that you will be angry and frustrated. That is fine. It is never a weakness to expose your hurt. And you will never have to do so alone. Your fight is my fight.

You love hearing the story of how you snuck into my belly. You crept in without my knowing, hiding while we vacationed at Sea World and making me so very dizzy. I made an appointment and your tiny heartbeat fluttered across the screen. I loved you so entirely in an instant.

For all the love that I have for you, I could not save you from this. It takes my breath away just seeing the words. I break to even think the thoughts…My sweet son, I could not stop this. I cannot undo it. I am so sorry.

Daddy says  you are destined for greatness. There must be something so powerful and consequential to your existence that the forces that be fight to hinder your strength. Your obstacles are so many because what you are, the true potential that lies within you, is what will shape the Universe someday. I can see that. I can see your future filled with success.

I just want you to believe. Believe me when I say however constant the ailment it will never exceed my commitment. And when my last day on earth sees me three healthy young men, happy of heart and well in life, I will know that I loved beyond words and we sought to endure…~


2 responses to “Substantial Sustainability

  1. brokedownman says:

    Hang in there, your faith will get you through this too!

    • cruibal1 says:

      I promise to always hang in there. If my faith falters, there is always reality tv. Nothing makes me feel so optimistic and so accomplished like those knuckleheads.

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